It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This. Sucide Banker Jamie ‘we don’t make directional bets’ Dimon ‘Self-Inflicts’ a WHOPPER!!

“These were egregious mistakes,” said Chief Executive Jamie Dimon, who is considered one of the world’s savviest bankers. “We have egg on our face, and we deserve any criticism we get.”

Out of nowehere, JPM announced 40 minutes ago that it would hold an unscheduled 5pm call to coincide with the release of its 10-Q. Rumors were swirling as to why. The reason is as follows:

JPMORGAN SAYS CIO UNIT HAS SIGNIFICANT MARK-TO-MARKET LOSSES – “Fortress balance sheet” at least until Bruno Iskil gets done with it.
JPMORGAN SAYS LOSSES ARE IN SYNTHETIC CREDIT PORTFOLIO – but, but, net is NEVER, EVER Gross.
JPM WOULD NEED $971M ADDED COLLATERAL IF RATINGS CUT ONE-NOTCH
JPM WOULD NEED $1.7B ADDED COLLATERAL IF RATINGS CUT 2 NOTCHES – how about three notches?
JPMORGAN: MAY HOLD SOME SYNTHETIC CREDIT POSITIONS LONG TERM – “Level 3 CDS FTW”
“As of March 31, 2012, the value of CIO’s total AFS securities portfolio exceeded its cost by approximately $8 billion”

 

98 comments on “It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This. Sucide Banker Jamie ‘we don’t make directional bets’ Dimon ‘Self-Inflicts’ a WHOPPER!!
  1. capt ray says:

    At 9 am this morning I clossed my chase account. [No joke]
    I love how butterflies create sunshine!

  2. EndTheFed says:

    A month ago, while these losses were mounting, Jamie Dimon announces a share buyback to signal all is well at JPM Morgan.

    Of course this share buyback is financed via zero percent interest rates. (Jamie Dimon earns a windfall via rising JPM share price. Savers get zero because of the zero percent interest rates used to finance such buyback.)

    Now we learn all is not well with JPM as they’ve suffered $2 billion in prop trading loses.

    Jamie Dimon’s announcement of share buyback was pure market manipulation.

    He should go to jail for such fraud.

  3. Jasha Blanka (SLA, YCC) says:

    I encourage everyone to celebrate by buying more silver.

  4. Happy Dick says:

    Anyone know what is in their SYNTHETIC CREDIT PORTFOLIO ?

  5. capt ray says:

    “$2b in synthetic credit “evaporates”.
    … Boo hoo …

  6. Apocalypto says:

    JPM = Jiant Piece of Monkey shit!

  7. R3VOLUTION says:

    Time for “Crash JP Morgan Buy Silver” to rev up again!
    Buy PHYSICAL silver tomorrow!

    Spread this or make your own: http://bit.ly/Kri8ed

    On twitter:
    #SILVERFRIDAY
    #crashjpmorgan

  8. kdt says:

    @Apocalypto what do you have against Monkey shit?

  9. Jesse says:

    Sharkboy Hits Dock Oh yeah, those were just ‘hedges.’ LOL
    Wait until the ‘hedges’ in their commodity derivatives book blow up.
    http://jessescrossroadscafe.blogspot.com/2012/05/jpm-takes-significant-loss-in-infamous.html

  10. Uptick says:

    lets see what happens the next few days
    JPMorgan declined 5.5 percent to $38.50 in extended trading

  11. Smacka says:

    Well played, Max. You called this awhile ago and the silver chickens are coming home to roost. Max, you da man!!!!!

    This looks like the start of a big shitstorm. There’s no reason for him to come out so quickly and apologize like this unless it is something massive! These guys normally just stone face and pretend that it’s all good, no problems, doing god’s work. Different tune now. Now it’s ‘oh boy, is this an egg on our face’. Sticking, rotten, filthy eggs.

    This is the start of something! Something BIG!

  12. trish says:

    can anyone here explain this with a simple analogy what the morgue did/ thanks

  13. Apocalypto says:

    Wow. Let me share a post from zerohedge from a fellow (lady?) named “knukles” – yarp, it’s likely a dude. I like the cut of his jib.

    To the headline “Is JPM Staring At Another $3 Billion Loss?”

    reply:

    Geez that’s generous.
    Dudley hisself wouldn’t know a CDO from a CLO from a CFO from an IdontNo if one of ‘em pissed in his shoe while he was playing with himself.

    At least Dimon has Blythe who is a wiz bang tried and seasoned pro at handling other people’s hedges when the they turn into real money nightmares migrating mysteriously onto JP’s own books. Hedges, other people’s hedges, mind you and your own fucking business.

    But never fear. The book is run out of London. No grasshoppers, not London as in the Disney failed reincarnation nothing like the glorious civil past of the ’60′s that some of us ex-pats still long for, but the City, where infinite rehypothication and no return of other people’s monies ever takes place, Peter Pan.

    And soothing all open wounds, Paul Krugman’ll publicly speak in some obtuse evil breathed manner seemingly vilifying the banksters while pleading for more QE to ensure the survival of the monied classes and trickle down Obamanomics, while Ben opens the Discount Window late at night for a Red Light Whore’s Special at Attractive Rates for His Favored TBTF Owners.

    Or else they’ll really fuck up that other client’s hedge in the gold and silver markets and make that Other Asset category on the FED’s balance sheet into Other Fucking Labilities, real quick.

  14. Youri Carma says:

    Wait till we put the kibosh on JPM’s silver deal :) They know we’ve kiboshed before. And we willl… kibosh again.

  15. bleep says:

    holy shizz… ‘the morgue’ was not a misnomer

  16. @M&S,

    is anyone at the CRIMEX guarding the physical metal from Jamie Dimon MFGlobal’ing it?

  17. Youri Carma says:

    @Apocalypto

    JPM=Judas Pirate MTF

  18. Apocalypto says:

    @kdt

    I sold a bunch of metallic substances back in mid-March. Still pondering a re-entry point.

  19. redleg says:

    http://blogs.reuters.com/felix-salmon/2012/05/10/jp-morgan-when-basis-trades-blow-up/
    Max, could the short position this was supposedly hedging against be silver?

  20. JonnyJames says:

    @Youri
    Cheers for the great old time tunes. Here’s one for ye
    Jimmie Rodgers w/ Louis Armstrong; two legends of American Music.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyID6RD5pA8

  21. JonnyJames says:

    Jimmie Rodgers classic
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEIBmGZxAhg
    (gotta love them lyrics on this one!)

    Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys
    (1936) Bring it on Down to My House Honey, th’aint nobody home but me
    Aaaaahaaaa!!
    One of the very first recordings in the world with an electric guitar (lap steel)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEIBmGZxAhg

  22. JonnyJames says:

    Oops heres the Bob Wills
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJEdpRYI6zw

  23. clynton says:

    this was a fun read …. 9th of april 2012 …. a slow motion car crash this one ….

    http://uti.is/2012/04/could-bruno-iksils-100bn-bet-be-related-to-jp-morgans-own-cds/

  24. Jayme says:

    Disgusting, but it sounds like JPM crapped in its pants to me. Is this going to be another mess for which the public will be pay?

  25. Youri Carma says:

    Is JPM Staring At Another $3 Billion Loss? http://www.zerohedge.com/news/jpm-staring-another-3-billion-loss

    So funny when they make profit you hear, JPM makes profit but when they lose you get to hear some obscure name of some wrong whale, the single so-called rogue trader. Cowards don’t even dare to take responsibility. Rogue trader get’s ousted and it’s business as usual. The Truman Show must go on.

    To Jim Grant The World Of Finance Is Nothing But The “Truman Show” http://www.zerohedge.com/news/jim-grant-world-finance-nothing-truman-show

    @JonnyJames

    TnX!

  26. Youri Carma says:

    @clynton

    “Bloomberg News first reported April 5 that London-based trader Bruno Iksil had amassed positions linked to the financial health of corporations that were so large he was driving price moves in the $10 trillion market.

    After the Bloomberg report, Dimon on a conference call said the news coverage was “a complete tempest in a teapot.”

    The losses disclosed today were “a little bit to do with the article in the press,” Dimon said , without specifying who in the bank oversaw the trades.”

    From: JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion in Chief Investment Office (Bloomberg) http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-05-10/jpmorgan-chase-says-cio-unit-suffered-significant-loss.html

    My question: Could this also be related to the $1.6 Billion MF Global steelin?

  27. Gold Current says:

    Beginning of the end.. Bye bye MF!!

  28. Jim says:

    Something smells about this.

  29. alan says:

    Don’t get too excited. I predict another handout of public money. No accountability for the connected.

  30. clynton says:

    election year in the united states …. global financial collapse …. de ja vue anyone ???

  31. flicks says:

    Apocalypto – reads like a dude. You watched NN – air refueling planes costing a fortune when they could be converted from civil craft; Hammond snookered with military specification higher cost. Ummm me thinks all air worthy craft of that size have very high specification requirements, more to come on that one – well done on ferreting out that!

    2b loss is nothing but we feel good about it. If a damn breaks we will feel very good about it!

  32. Tamir says:

    @Max,

    Time to reinvigorate the “Crash JP Morgan, but silver” campaign!!!

  33. Tamir says:

    oops. “buy silver” of course…

  34. Is 2 billion really a big deal for JPM?

  35. @MirrorMirror
    Nothing the see here. Move along, citizens.

  36. flicks says:

    Silver Bullet – nope, but we been saying on here for ages that CDS will blow up the banks, the problem is they can scam everything because they own everyones ass; isda who rule on CDS = banksters so maybe they figured they couldn’t get out of a legal situation and just held their hands up-get it out the way. I think it’s over Europe; Greece has been kept from going bust wither that or MF, but what do I know.

  37. flicks says:

    either

  38. karl says:

    is this related to silver or zsomething else
    zerohedge seemed to indicate he was shorting the S and P?

  39. Bruce says:

    trish | May 11, 2012 at 5:37 am |
    can anyone here explain this with a simple analogy what the morgue did/ thanks
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I’m still waiting for Max’s “For Dummies” book.

  40. Bruce says:

    capt ray | May 11, 2012 at 4:01 am |
    At 9 am this morning I clossed my chase account. [No joke]
    I love how butterflies create sunshine!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Congrats~!

  41. newladworkingin EIRA says:

    Repost; cut and paste from the comments under the ZH article:

    Thu, 05/10/2012 – 21:33 | 2415845Paul Atreides

    Repost:

    Everbody I mean EVERYBODY should go out and buy some physical silver tomorrow, doesn’t have to be a lot if we can get everyone on board we can do some damage. With JP Morgan floundering NOW is the time to put the squeeze on those naked shorts.

    Second Friday in May? Time to take the silver away!

    #SILVERFRIDAY

    Start spreading the word tweets have been started, loop in hash tags like #endthefed #ronpaul #crashjpm #crashjpmorgan #silver #gold #commodities #tbtf #jpm

    I will commit to a tube of silver maples 25oz.

    Login or register to post comments
    Thu, 05/10/2012 – 21:49 | 2415911fightthepower

    I have two words for you. Monster Box.

    Login or register to post comments
    Thu, 05/10/2012 – 21:56 | 2415934Paul Atreides

    I would if I had the funds!!!

    It’s definitely not going to be my first tube….

    Login or register to post comments
    Thu, 05/10/2012 – 21:57 | 2415935Temporalist

    I’m surprised the shiney hasn’t doubled to $60 on this news.

    Login or register to post comments
    Thu, 05/10/2012 – 21:59 | 2415937Paul Atreides

    Another good reason to load up tomorrow morning…I tried to get the word out but I am a nobody in the metal space, spread the word!

  42. Oz's says:

    Dimon you Fuckity fucker fuckhead…die slowly, painfully, hanging is too quick for you

  43. niphtrique says:

    Well, it wasn’t the silver vigilantes after all that crashed JPM.

  44. adonisdemilo says:

    What a beautiful day, the sun is shining, holidays are almost here, kids doing great, grandkids even better, wife seems happy (for now anyway) and Jamie’s fucked up big time.
    I don’t think life can get much better.
    PS. Don’t forget to cover your silver shorts before you leave Jamie.

  45. MirrorMirror says:

    .

    Govt. Corruption :

    Sibel Edmonds’ new book, “Classified Woman,” is like an FBI file on the FBI, only without the incompetence.

    Sibel Edmonds, the “Classified Woman” finally tells her story

    http://www.brasschecktv.com/videos/the-911-files/sibel-edmonds-the-classified-woman-finally-tells-her-story.html

    10 mins

    .

  46. Dilberta says:

    Is a whale too big to fail?
    Or can it deflate through its blowhole and end up in jail?

  47. Hegelian Dialectic says:

    I dunno, sports fans. Somebody made a shitload of money off of this. And it’s hard to believe that those who were involved, weren’t involved. I wouldn’t be surprised if it isn’t just a way for some of the individuals in the company to bleed off easy profits out the back door just before the entire corporate body gets ‘sacrificed’. Just my two bitcoins.

  48. flicks says:

    Credit Default Swaps: An Introduction – Not for those who have migraine issues

    http://www.investopedia.com/articles/optioninvestor/08/cds.asp#axzz1uYdrQUYJ

    Credit Default Swaps: What Happens In A Credit Event? – A migraine for sure

    http://www.investopedia.com/articles/bonds/09/what-happens-to-single-name-cds.asp#axzz1uYdrQUYJ

  49. Bonn says:

    9.5.2012 – 1/4 – UFO Intervention Coast to Coast AM Intuitive researcher and filmmaker, David Wilcock, discussed how UFO intervention is thwarting efforts to start WWIII and how this interference is part of an organized movement toward a golden age of humanity. He dubbed these actions “divine intervention,” since it appears that when the UFOs make their presence known they seem to do so for benevolent reasons. To that end, he specifically cited craft shutting down nuclear weapons as an example of their positive intent. Given the ephemeral and surreptitious work of these positive UFO events, Wilcock surmised that they are beholden to a “prime directive” to not overtly interfere in human events unless it is absolutely necessary, such as curtailing the proliferation of nuclear weapons.
    Hic ;-)

  50. flicks says:

    Rebekah Brooks is busy hiding behind her hair with the occasional AbFab carryon popping out from Jay’s little sandpaper voice squeeze technique

  51. MirrorMirror says:

    I wonder whether those “old” Greek Drachma on Ebay will suddenly shoot up in price :lol:

    There was a time when Greece had Silver and Gold coins … of course , they are still fetching a high price … on Ebay !

  52. MirrorMirror says:

    Gold ‘going to $3,000′ … David Rosenberg tells James Mackintosh, FT investment editor.
    http://video.ft.com/v/1628418924001/Gold-going-to-3-000-

  53. Jackie O says:

    who’s got the biggest short??:)

  54. MirrorMirror says:

    .

    Great speech ( UKIP ) :

    No Growth more debt

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxP0KG4h-YI

    1:45 mins.

    .

  55. snoop diddy says:

    damn that mark to market,
    mark to fantasy is so much more fun!

  56. Mini US says:

    Hey everyone.
    This is the start of the TBTF Banking sector beginning the crying game Max always talks about.
    “Tapeworm in Tears” is the headline.
    There will be more in the lead up to QE 3.
    Buy Gold and Silver untill your hands bleed :)
    Onya Max ‘n’ Stacy.

  57. Flopot says:

    The L the O the L.

    Fingers crossed and hoping this is at least the end of the beginning.

  58. Jeff S says:

    Max, Stacy, good time to get Das on the show to talk about this JPM incident.

  59. gold bullet says:

    OK, if/when JPM completely crashes and burns, can we move on to destroying the Vampire Squid commonly known as Goldman Sachs?! The future of Europe depends on them crashing…

  60. gold bullet says:

    ”Why the UK Pirate Party Runs a Pirate Bay Proxy”

    https://torrentfreak.com/why-the-uk-pirate-party-runs-a-pirate-bay-proxy-120511/

    Because fuck you, RIAA, that’s why! :lol:

  61. Poote says:

    Silver on the slide!
    Does not compute?
    What What

  62. flicks says:

    Morgan Loses $2B – listen to him:

    http://www.bloomberg.com/video/92440517/

  63. Jayme says:

    Maybe a false flag set up to cover something else?

  64. flicks says:

    Rebekah Brooks is back in the crease, the hair is parted and patted for some control, the dark circle eyes – crule is the lighting to women in stress. She is asking: ‘where am I going now?’ More serious and a bit ‘had enough of it’ ‘what’s the context’ Well now we all know what the context is don’t we. Jay has roughed up the ball with his sandpaper voice and she can’t always read it – getting fed up now.

  65. flicks says:

    ‘had enough of it’ sorry I should be clear, she didn’t say that I am .

  66. The ‘Prohibition Era’ from 1920 to 1933, is blamed for enriching gangsters with so much easy money, that first they bribed and blackmailed their way into the halls of government. In exactly the same way that Marcus Tullius Cicero warned in his famous “TRAITOR” speech, and then they took control of the Economy. Finally the vast profits, much of it deposited in Switzerland, were used to engineer the Great Depression, where assets were bought for pennies on the dollar, and then they went for the jugular vein of Europe. After massive transfers of gold into Adolpf Hitler’s banks, the stage was set for The Industrial Military Congressional Complex (President Ike’s own wording) to step up into high gear. America faced a terrible problem, the Mafia had complete control of USA Ports. The Mafia Bosses were summoned for negotiations and a pragmatic solution was resolved (Much of these minutes will not see the light of day for another 30 years! under the 100 year Official Secrets Classification) Suffice to say that a new ‘Prohibition’ was demanded by the Mafia, but they faiuled to get a re-prohibition on booze!

    The rest, as they say, is the history of our times. and “JP Morgan Chase” will doubtless contribute to the chapter on “Gangsterism” in that History Book.

  67. evolutis says:

    Chewing at the furniture again, are they?

  68. MirrorMirror says:

    .

    Gene Patents etc,

    The God Patent

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32TGMJZ3Mk0

    .

  69. HUH? says:

    Jamie Dimon: “If you will join me on the end of the ship that is not submerged, I believe we can still order drinks.”

  70. Father Ice says:

    Jamie: DIE man!

  71. MirrorMirror says:

    .

    RT / CrossTalk: EU = Kick’can’istan :lol:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhXM8FYJp1w

    24 mins.

    .

  72. Youri Carma says:

    WoW great quality of this simple but amazing song.

    Eddy Arnold – Just a Little Lovin’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HWjzEWKU5M

  73. Evolutis says:

    @MirrorMirror …. Catch a cold and u can be arrested … Is that not patently clear?

  74. Youri Carma says:

    Eddy Arnold: Arnold was born on May 15, 1918 on a farm near Henderson, Tennessee. His father, a sharecropper, played the fiddle, while his mother played guitar. As a boy Arnold helped on the farm, which later gained him his nickname—the Tennessee Plowboy. Arnold attended Pinson High School in Pinson, Tennessee, where he played guitar for school functions and events. He quit before graduation to help with the farm work, but continued performing, often arriving on a mule with his guitar hung on his back . Arnold also worked part time as an assistant at a mortuary .

  75. MirrorMirror says:

    PS@RT / CrossTalk: EU = Kick’can’istan

    What a waste of time !

    Terrible guests … not one mention of the real core of the Greek problems which is Big Banking and EU & Greek Political Corruption.

  76. Alf says:

    @flicks…looks like Rebekah had enough too…

    http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/2078254.jpg

  77. MirrorMirror says:

    .
    Why What Jamie Dimon Doesn’t Know Is Plain Scary

    http://www.zerohedge.com/news/why-what-jamie-dimon-doesn’t-know-plain-scary

    Read the last paragraphs … and I agree, it doesn’t look right …. maybe much more to come ?

  78. Flopot says:

    @Jayme

    “Maybe a false flag set up to cover something else?”

    Indeed. It is safe to assume that every public action by the banksters is a false-flag of one sort or another, i.e. an attempt to mislead, distract or jolt the onlooker onto the desired path. Just like any good conman would.

  79. MirrorMirror says:

    PS@RT / CrossTalk: EU = Kick’can’istan

    Well, the last 1/2 was a little better / funnier …

    …. nice fight between Rachel and a LibDem.

    LibDem says ….

    # “Nobody in Greece in starving”
    # “Things can’t be that bad because the EUR is stronger than the USD”

    ROTFLMA !

  80. Kevin says:

    Jamie Dimon Trapped in Vault, Eats Own Foot!

    Read it today on the Irrational Inquirer! (CNBC).

  81. MirrorMirror says:

    Youtube-20120511-DailyPolitics-CrumblingEurozone

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35SWUZQPv9c

    10 mins.

    Yet another MSM Muppet show … where NOBODY talks about the core problem … the Central Banking Fiat Debt Money System !

    I give up …. MSM = MainStreamMatrix

  82. Youri Carma says:

    @MirrorMirror

    It’s like Hitler saying “I didn’t know that my soldiers invaded Russia” cause every trader on the block knew what was going on and even made up names for the trader like ‘whale’ and ‘Voldimort’.

    Donnow about the American justice system cause they don’t seem to have one but in the Dutch Justice system the head of a company is responsible regardless if he knew it or not. If he didn’t knew it he suppose to have known about it as head of a company, simple as that. A judge can’t go into details about how somebody’s running his company that’s just ludricous but in the US this seems to be perfectly normal that you can put the blame on some lower minion.

    My idea is that Americans don’t understand anything of the law system. They don’t even understand the principle of hierarchy of law like that a lower law never can put aside a higher law.

    They got us by the balls yet “nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hw93b-KePRo

    Bloomberg News http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-05-10/jpmorgan-chase-says-cio-unit-suffered-significant-loss.html first reported April 5 that London-based trader Bruno Iksil had amassed positions linked to the financial health of corporations that were so large he was driving price moves in the $10 trillion market. After the Bloomberg report, Dimon on a conference call said the news coverage was “a complete tempest in a teapot .”

    The losses disclosed today were “a little bit to do with the article in the press,” Dimon said, without specifying who in the bank oversaw the trades.

  83. Youri Carma says:

    @MirrorMirror

    So in fact Dimon is blaming the press for his losses LOlz

  84. flicks says:

    Alf – lots of love OMG

  85. Robert Mockan says:

    Central banking and the monetary system continue to exist because these are the weapons of mass financial destruction the insane oligarchs have in reserve in case the other control methods fail. Glass-Steagull was repealed to allow banksters to do exactly what they have been doing. This publicity about JPM is just misdirection to appease the masses that are becoming too aware about what is really going on, and cause people in general to think “corrective’ action will be taken to prevent more problems in the future.
    A few billion is nothing for JPM. And they could have hidden the “loss” (real or not) easily if they wanted to. And so the show goes on.

  86. Youri Carma says:

    Some Must hear’s:

    - Santelli On CDS Regulation And Why Bank Analysts Failedhttp://www.zerohedge.com/news/santelli-cds-regulation-and-why-bank-analysts-failed

    - To Jim Grant The World Of Finance Is Nothing But The “Truman Show” http://www.zerohedge.com/news/jim-grant-world-finance-nothing-truman-show

    And Now For Something Special: “The J.P.Morgan Guide To Credit Derivatives” By Blythe Masters http://www.zerohedge.com/news/and-now-something-special-jpmorgan-guide-credit-derivatives-blythe-masters

  87. Michel78 says:

    2 billion is nothing. trillion is the new billion.

  88. kdt says:

    @max at 1:00 this guy states in the absence of gold or silver to back its notes the bank of england is basicly pledging the birth cirtificates of the population of england as collatral for the national debt of the uk
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnxf1CsgHO0&feature=relmfu

  89. Jim says:

    Maybe now clients of MF Global will get their money back?

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